adiós, guilt & shame

This article has taken me forever to write because I haven’t quite been able to figure out what to include and not, like, what is me just sharing, what is me actually helping and how can I make this as not awful as possible.
You know, you’re onto something, you’ve kinda made a draft of whatever you’re thinking you’ll create and then you look at your not-nearly-finished creation and you’re like holy shit this is so embarrassingly bad let’s just burn this and pretend it wasn’t made by me. I was low key dying the other week when my friend saw the draft of this. I was like “this is probably where our friendship ends.” Hahaha. It seems he likes me anyways so I guess it wasn’t all that bad.


My whole upbringing was basically me living two separate lives. One nightmare and one loving. I was totally Hannah Montana:ing my childhood except it wasn’t really my choice. Big parts of my life I remember absolutely nothing from. Completely blank. The brain of a child is amazing like that, but it’s kind of scary too. 

The thing about hardships in general whether it be poverty, sickness, abuse or any other awful circumstances is that following comes a complicated process of trying to make sense of and deal with everything, because it changes not only how we think and our behaviour but also the way our brain functions. 

The game changer for me, except whatever good wonderful people in my life have done, was as an adult getting help realizing how responsible I have been feeling for other people’s behavior and for situations completely out of my control. Not only for what I went through as a kid, but you know, also life stuff that most of us go through simply by being alive. And guilt & shame is some heavy shit to carry, especially when you carry stuff that wasn't even yours to begin with. It’s like this unwanted spam add-on to the already existing pain caused by hurt itself and doesn't really leave you with much room to be a from the inside a happy person.

It messes us up, not acknowledging what really is ours to carry. Instead, many of us instead of seeing the situation for what it is we blame ourselves for not saying the right things at the right time, for not being strong enough to protect our bodies or integrity and not being wise enough to run away ”in time”. For not plotting revenge. For not cussing when being insulted. For not raising our voices to be heard. For not having been able to save our loved ones from hurt. For not having ”thick skin”. For not being able to predict.

In my last blog post (which you can read here) I wrote: You are never responsible for someone else's actions. You are only responsible for yours. If you hurt someone else, that is on you. But if you are the one being hurt, manipulated or harassed, that guilt is never yours to carry. You are NEVER responsible for someone else's actions, whether they are triggered by your actions or not. 

I wonder how it would be if we always lived & shared this truth. It’s healing & strengthening. It makes your heart softer, and being brave & vulnerable a little easier.

Life simply becomes a whole lot awesome:er when ghosting all of that guilt  🙅🏽💁🏽💅🏾

”One can never lose as long as one is naive. Only hardened hearts loose.
That’s what I try to teach my kids. Always be bold, wholehearted in everything you do. Believe that there’s good in everyone you meet. Assume that they wish you well. Look them in the eyes. Be strong and proud of who you are and where you’re from.
We are all deceived by people who are happy to overstep our borders and ruthlessly take advantage of our naivety. They break into our open hearts and steal our trust, our comfort and our joy like apples.
But the tree blooms again. The tree will bear fruit soon again. If you’re kind-hearted, or even foolishly naive, there’s no limit to the blessings and the tree’s ability to heal.
You bloom, over and over again.
If someone walks right into your life and misuses the trust that you’ve tried to make your life about, the guilt is not yours.
If you’re being betrayed by someone you love, you walk free. If a friend slanders you, and if someone you’ve trusted cheated you out of money, you gotta keep the doors open; keep trusting; keep your gentle love toward your fellow human beings.”
- Marcus Birro